


reaching out with hands that cut you

by BlueGirl22



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical The Spiral Content (The Magnus Archives), Distortion Sasha James, Gen, I relistened to mag 187 and thought: what if I made a distortion sasha au but just INCREDIBLY sad?, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Spiral Avatar Sasha James, Statement Addiction (The Magnus Archives), Unhappy Ending, in terms of emotional manipulation that is. think helen dr david fusion. yeah., sorta? elaboration in end notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28711305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueGirl22/pseuds/BlueGirl22
Summary: Helen-as-The-Distortion worked to tell Jon that being monstrous was fun and good, and that he should embrace it. When Sasha is the one to take over from Michael, she does the opposite.
Relationships: Sasha James & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Kudos: 18





	reaching out with hands that cut you

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry about this, today I woke up and chose violence. again, elaboration on cws at the end!

Jon plays the tapes he’d found hidden in Sasha’s desk.

One has a quick, light argument about the word “calliope.”

One is a full statement from Sasha, the _real_ Sasha, about Michael, the one he’d had to have S-- _not_ Sasha re-record.

The third is from when Prentiss got in. It’s nauseating hearing his own screams played back, but he manages to make it to the end of the tape. “ _I_ _see you,_ ” he hears, in her voice. “ _Show yourself!_ ” She starts to scream, and there’s a sound of a door opening. The patter of her shoes on the floor, running full tilt for it. The door swinging shut. Another voice, but not Sasha’s, coming towards the recorder, repeating her final words in a hiss.

There’s never been a door in that part of Artefact Storage.

*

Jon’s mind flies into such a panic, he doesn’t even fully think through that he took the exact same route out of Artefact Storage as Sasha did all those months ago until he catches a glimpse of her, out of the corner of his eye, as he pelts down the hallways. He tries to double back, to find her, to rescue her, but she’s gone again. Of course she’s gone again.

*

Hand slick with lotion and sweat, Jon tries the handle on the yellow door. It doesn’t budge. Michael yanks on it, trying to force it, and his face freezes as he starts to scream. With a creak of old hinges, Michael’s gone, and there’s a woman standing there who speaks with the voice from the recordings.

In another world, this is where Jon might get wary. _The throat of delusion incarnate_ wouldn’t just send a friend to save him. Michael just told him all about how he _wasn’t_ Michael Shelley, this person can’t just be the face they wear. In another world, Jon accepts the escape route but never trusts the friendly face. In this world, he does.

He uses what help the Eye gives him to try and Know whether this is really Sasha, and her face falls. “Of course you don’t recognize me. You forgot me.”

After all this time believing that that _thing_ was Sasha, how can he look into her eyes and tell her that this is where his belief stops?

*

He doesn’t see her for months. The friend he couldn’t remember resurrected herself to save him, and he can’t find her for months.

A door opens in his office, and she stumbles out on the brink of tears. “I took someone,” she sobs. “I spent so long trying not to, I could feel it--it _building_ in me, but I was so hungry--”

“Sasha, you-- _what?_ ”

“When, when I--when _The Distortion_ needed a replacement, and I made the choice to save you, I, I didn’t know I’d have to do _this._ ”

Jon stops in his tracks.

“I feel _wrong,_ I don’t want this! All I did was take a job two years ago, just a job, I never _asked_ for this, I can’t just be a killer now.”

“Sasha, I’m, I’m so sorry.”

“I _just_ wanted out of those hallways, I _just_ wanted to save you, I can’t--” she covers her face with her hands to obscure tears. They look like human hands, like Sasha’s hands, but as he goes to take them, she flinches away. “They won’t feel right,” she says. “They’ll feel like a monster’s.”

*

“Don’t blame yourself,” assures Sasha, leaning against her doorway. “Yes, if you had noticed I’d been replaced and gone looking for me, this probably wouldn’t have happened. But it doesn’t mean it’s _your fault,_ please don’t think it’s _your fault._ ”

*

“I think I preferred being the tortured over the torturer. At least then I knew it would eventually end. Now I think I’m just going to be trapped, putting people through the same hell I was in for those long months, feasting on their terror, forever.”

*

“Don’t blame yourself,” assures Sasha, sitting with him in the tunnels. “Yes, if I hadn’t been so focused on saving you, I probably would have thought it through and seen what I’d have to become, and this wouldn’t have happened. But it doesn’t mean it’s _your fault,_ please don’t think it’s _your fault._ ”

*

“I _hate_ being like this. I feel dangerous. I _am_ dangerous, God, the people I’ve had no choice but to, to… hurt. Kill. There’s no way out, no way to _stop_ me. If there were one, I would take it.”

*

In another world, when Jon starts wondering if everyone might be better off without another monster, he makes a companion out of Daisy Tonner. He has bad radio to make fun of, pub nights to laugh during, a friend in whom he sees something of himself to tell him there’s no point in the self-loathing. A friend to tell him if he’s being better, then he’s being better, and what he needs to focus on is maintaining that. In this world, he doesn’t.

In this world, as Jon throws himself into mission after mission of almost certain death, he goes to seek out Sasha. She tells him stories of every victim she’s taken, laughing and sobbing as she describes how their fear made her feel. She tells him that eventually she just gave up, that there was no point in the self-restraint. If she’s going to be a monster, she’s going to be a monster, and she daydreams of putting a stop to herself. Every high of a victim fed on is a low of an innocent life she loved to destroy.

Jon can’t give up in quite the same way, of course. Once the others hear his victim’s tape, they watch him at all hours, but all he can think about is how much he _wants_ to hurt people and how much he _hates_ that no matter what, he’ll always want to. He feels dangerous. He _is_ dangerous. He feels like he’s trapped in putting people through hell forever, feasting on their terror. He never looks for outs, he knows there aren’t any, he’d never play some old Gertrude tape marked “ _E. Delano. July 21, 2008._ ” What’s the point in looking for something so futile if they’re all trapped, if _he’s_ made them all trapped? Melanie, Daisy, Basira, Martin, _Sasha,_ God, _Sasha…_ Sasha and all the people she's killed, he’s responsible for them all.

Peter Lukas takes Martin somewhere deep within the tunnels, and Jon begs Sasha for help, but she doesn’t give it. “ _Why?_ ” he commands.

She stands in her doorway, eyes glistening and smile so wide it’s clearly painful, blood blooming on her lips. “Because it feels good to make you afraid.”

Jon does reach the Panopticon, of course. Elias did call him, after all. And despite the lack of hope he has, he jumps right into the Lonely after Martin.

He doesn’t come out.

**Author's Note:**

> so, the suicide warning is almost canon-typical, in that jon goes on one of his season four missions that are very likely to get him killed, partly in the hope that it will either get him killed or he'll save someone's life, except here, largely due to distortion!sasha's manipulation, he does actually die. well, not "die" die, just get eternally trapped in the forsaken (along with martin, though that isn't focused on), if that makes a difference to you.
> 
> as always, I'm on tumblr @bisexual-evanhansen. again, apologies for this.


End file.
